Journal Entry Four  Sin City
by Ryla Dante
Summary: Part 4...What the boys might be thinking after each episode if they could speak their own minds on MySpace...Sam and Dean now have their own personal blogs...so check in every week! Major spoilers for Sin City. Semi AU...


A/N: Okay...I am SOOOOO sorry it took this long to get this out to you guys...I seriously promise I will snap to it when Episode 5 comes on. I had a crazy weekend and then this week have just not been sleeping well so by the time I get up, I just felt like crap. Just hope it is worth all this crazy wait!! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Eric Kripke and Krew own the characters and basic plot...the rest is mine :)

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**Sam's Blog...**

October 25th, 2007 - Thursday

Jesus Christ...I feel so damned twisted inside. Ever since I came back, ever since Dean decided it was in MY best interest to bring me back things have gone from bad to worst. So much hell and damnation has come upon innocent people that we could have stopped had he just let me die. Now I know that sounds petty, and wrong of me to think that way, but damn it the whole world would be better off with one less hunter roaming around this mortal coil.

And after seeing what hell has transpired in Elizabethville, I am inclined to think we are doing such a bang up job. We are only three people, what the hell can we truly do? A aged hunter, a man with one foot firmly thrust into hell's gates and me, a lowly servant of Beelzebub himself. Sounds like a strange episode of Jerry Springer or some shit. I am not sure I can handle all this any more, and the fact that Dean will be leaving me in a matter of months does not to sooth my anxiety. He may be my brother, but sometimes he can be an ungrateful selfish bastard!

Ruby...I swear if I see her face again I WILL blow it off, no matter if she can save Dean or not. Her arrogance is beginning to knot my stomach and twist my brain. Maybe a nice punch in the face will at least put a smile on my face and knock hers off for a moment or two. I hate being in cahoots with a blessed daemon, the mere thought of it sends me into a gagging fit.

Which brings me to Casey and the priest. Yeah it was probably wrong to take them out when we could have simply saved them like all the others, but as of now we only have so much time to deal with all this and every daemonic being can not be dealt with in a gentle manner any longer. I saw the look on Dean's face when I put that bullet in Casey's chest. He was almost shocked, as if wanting me to think about it. And what was he doing yelling at me to wait?? How long had he been down there and what the hell had she said to him?? Daemons lie no matter how sweet they may sound, and that is what scares the living hell out of me.

God please help me...I really don't feel like myself. I just hope it is everything we have been through in the last month...but I have a terrible feeling it is worse. Much, much worse. I saw the looks Dean and Bobby gave each other later that night, and I know they see it to. I just hope this all ends soon, that something good comes of all this and that all we have been fighting for has not been fruitless. That would be the most frightening thing of all...an ending with no real outcome in sight!

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**Dean's Blog...**

October 26th, 2007 - Friday

Oh man...tonight was one hell of a ride. I loved seeing old friends again, yet too bad the meeting was so short lived. I warned him that was going to happen, although Richie never was the brightest bulb in the chandelier. I sort of think his dimmer switch broke years ago or something, but that is another story all on its own. That of course is what got him in trouble with that succubus, always did get him in trouble. Slow on the uptake and too sexually driven. Yeah okay, I will admit I can be the same way, and have had some close shaves, but I have someone to keep me on my toes. Man without Sam I don't know...

Um...I just had a moment there. Excuse me. Yeah I admit that as well. I need Sam damn it just as much as he needs me, hell more so. That is why when I had that conversation with Casey I could agree with her, at least inside. She asked if I was afraid of dying and I lied telling her I wasn't. Hell yeah I'm afraid. I can't go, I can't leave Sammy alone. I just...I just...Damn it I love him and I wish I could tell HIM instead of this stupid computer. It just feels so fake this way. Maybe one day after I'm gone he will find all this and know everything, know just how I truly felt.

So Sammy, this is for you: I love you man, I may be dying soon, and never get a chance to say this again. I am scared as hell, and I can know you see that whether you say it or not. I made a huge mistake going to Mississippi and asking for your soul in exchange for mine. It was foolish and selfish, yeah there's that word again, but it's true. However I would do it all over again and again. You know there is no way on earth I could have let you die no matter what happened. I have always taken care of you even if I hated to, even if it cut into any social things I preferred to do. Sometimes I bitch and moan about you being around, but just know its only out of my love for you and not wanting to see you hurt. It's what big brothers do, and I pray this big brother has done his job good enough, at least in your eyes.

Okay, um, now that that is taken care of I think I can deal with Casey. Yeah she was a daemon, but everything she said made sense. I may not have liked much of it and took it with a grain of salt, tossing a bit into the devil's eye as it were. Funny, so they have their own 'light bringer.' Of course I was never big on religion myself, we all know the reason for that one and I will NOT go into that one here. Too bad God had to kick his ass out of heaven in the first place. Had he kept Lucifer up there all would be peaceful and we would be a better people. But, nope, no such luck there.

Now my father spend hours upon hours reading King James' book trying to make heads or tails of this thing we call religion, and it only seemed to make him more upset than connected to anything spiritual. He used to tell us tales of the tower of Babel and the split of the many languages, Daniel being tossed into the lion's den and how Lot's wife was turned to a pillar of salt when she decided, like a fool, to look back. I used to be afraid of such things, but as I grew older and read into these things myself I noticed many inconsistencies. So many different versions and interpretations. I just gave up after a while. I sloughed it off to faerie tale and hokum.

Though, the one thing I did find interesting, even though the interpretations always varied, was that of Hell. It went by many names: Hell, Abaddon, Tartarus, Hades, Gehenna, Sheol...All of them say the same thing...It is a dark treacherous place that no good man belongs. I feel as if I got gypped, since I never did anything bad enough to enter any of the gates to these places. Yeah so I killed a few demons, sure that would make the head guys pissed, but it doesn't justify sending me into the 7th circle of hell, right?

Well, whatever happens, I just know that until then I need to keep an eye on Sammy. As I said I love him, would do anything for him and did, but after he took out Casey and the priest, I worry for him. Bobby may think my brother is fine, may deny his feelings when I question him, but I know that Sam would have thought before killing two humans, possessed or not, had all this not transpired. The look in his eyes was strange so like that as when he killed Jake. Sam never even blinked, almost as if he relished in the killing. It was scary. I just hope that I am overreacting and that the job is getting to me along with everything else. I guess only time will tell.

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